Hold Onto Everything Loosely

This is a phrase I heard many times in college but I was never really willing to learn it. The more I heard it, the more I wanted to hold onto the things I had. But, I guess God's wanting to teach me to let go.

Recently, I received my bar exam results for the second time around. I failed again. Each time I received my bar results, I bawled like a baby and was depressed for a couple days. I felt like such a failure and just.. dumb because it wasn't like I didn't try. But other people passed it without a problem. So how come I couldn't do the same?

Growing up, I was never the smart kid. I was always the talented kid who knew how to sing and play instruments but never was "intelligent" the first adjective that came to people's minds to describe me. So even applying to law school was a step of faith. Until my college graduation day, I only went after what I thought I was capable of doing. But God wanted me to see things not through my eyes of little faith and vision, but see them through His eyes. So I struggled through taking the LSAT's and applying to law schools. And even after getting accepted into law school, going through law school was incredibly difficult. I literally shed blood (I experienced numerous nosebleeds throughout law school), sweat, and tears trying to survive law school. It was the first time I had to push myself to work that hard. I think God wanted me to learn the lessons of hard work and discipline along with faith.

And the thing is, when you go through hardships and fights, you always expect to be rewarded something at the end of it all. But what if God doesn't give you the reward you anticipated? What if instead of that reward, He tells you to let go of it and go through a new hurdle? How would you feel? Well, when I received my bar exam results, God reminded me again that although He led me to law school, I had never received a conviction for being a lawyer. I never really prayed through that career choice. In my mind, the next logical step was to become a lawyer... otherwise, why did I go to law school? Going through law school equals being a lawyer, right? NOPE! Completely wrong. That's not how God works.

While doing my quiet time this morning, God spoke to me through this passage:

"Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying 'Stop, you're doing it wrong!'...Do you question what I do for my children? Do you give me orders about the work of my hands? I am the one who made the earth and created people to live on it. With my hands I stretched out the heavens. All the stars are at my command. I will raise up Cyrus to fulfill my righteous purpose and I will guide his actions." Isaiah 45:9, 11-13.

And that's when I realized my life is not my own. God created me so He can do whatever He wants with me. Who am I to fight against what He's trying to do? He created me for His purpose not mine. Sure, my heart questions what He is doing and I want to fight Him by continually taking the bar exam and passing it so I can validate my attending law school. But I have to remember where to place my trust and know that I am just the clay and He is the potter. If He is the Creator of the whole universe, then why would He not know what to do with my life? He knows exactly what He's doing and I have to trust that He is doing this for a greater purpose. As I saw on someone's Facebook wall recently, faith is taking a step even when you can't see the whole staircase. I don't know why God didn't help me to pass the bar exam. I don't know why God replaced in my heart a desire to teach. And I know what the world is saying, 'what a waste. Then why go through law school?' Yeah, I don't know. I wish I had the answers but I don't. All I can say is this is what I feel like God is calling me to do at this juncture in my life, and I know I have to obey. That's why the more you hold onto things loosely, the easier these changes will be. Otherwise, it's too difficult and we might even miss out on something greater that God has in store for us.

A trying year

As I was searching God's heart to see what He wanted me to learn this new year, two words came to mind:
faith and patience

.. the two most difficult lessons to learn...

already, He's teaching me....

Great Love Letters

Ludwig Van Beethoven
"Immortal Beloved"
The Third Letter Good morning, on July 7
Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all
Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

Expecting Mom

I have a new baby that's coming. MY PUPPY!!!! :D
I'm preparing and educating myself for the new bundle of joy!
I'm still trying to think of a name for it... any suggestions?

physical discipline helps studies

so throughout the semester, i've been determined to lose weight because my 1L year, i lived a very unhealthy lifestyle. I ate mcdonald's all the time due to lack of time, ate out and overate a lot due to stress, and my only exercise was the walk from my car in the school parking lot to my classroom.THerefore, this year I was driven...focused, to lose weight.

The beginning was not easy because my body was not used to working out; it had to readjust. And then I thought the middle period would get easier, but it actually got even HARDER than the beginning because I had to fight internally, and push myself even more to to keep-up the workout routine. As i was struggling physically, I kept wanting to quit because at certain points, it was too difficult to continue. But that's when I had to mentally force myself to keep going despite the pain. I set my eye on the goal. I focused on it. I ran towards it until I reached that goal.

So now, after going through the physical endurance in the beginning of the semester, I realize it is very applicable to the end of my semester. Before this semester, I never really understood it when people said physical discipline can help your mental discipline because all I got from my exercises was fatigue. But now, as I'm studying for my finals like a maniac, i realized how helpful my workouts were throughout the semester. Because while you're studying, you go through the same hurdles. You continually want to give up due to the overwhelming mountain of information you have to memorize and apply. You don't think you're going to make it. You second guess yourself many times. But that's when you realize, similarly to your exercises, you have to focus on the goal, and just continue to run towards it.. even if it might hurt and seem impossible.

Then in the end, after you cross the finish line, the accomplishment will taste so sweet.

Words + Acts = Love

Today, I was very stressed out trying to study for my evidence final. I was complaining like none other to my significant other, yohan. After a couple hours of whining and stating that I was hungry, I told yohan I was going to go for a drive and get some food (even though I was low on money, being the grad student that I am in her last week of the semester). When I told him I was about to head out, he said, "there's no need. I already ordered for you. All you have to do is just step out and sign the receipt." (not to mention, he did it from indiana/chicago while i was in ann arbor,mi)
LOW AND BEHOLD. MY FOOD. there was a huge bag of chinese food filled with beef w/ wide noodles, chicken & broccoli in garlic sauce, and a side of my favorite, crab rangoon.

Men, and even ladies, we can all learn from yohan. It's the little things that say I love you. Don't only tell them you love them... SHOW them you love them.

the tortoise wins

"Men give me credit for some genius. All the genius I have lies in this; when I have a subject in hand, I study it profoundly. Day and night it is before me. My mind becomes pervaded with it. Then the effort that I have made is what people are pleased to call the fruit of genius. It is the fruit of labor and thought." - Alexander Hamilton

*this quote is very close to my heart. It's something i'm trying to achieve throughout my law school career. Every time i read this, it drives me to do even more than what I think is enough.