Hold Onto Everything Loosely

This is a phrase I heard many times in college but I was never really willing to learn it. The more I heard it, the more I wanted to hold onto the things I had. But, I guess God's wanting to teach me to let go.

Recently, I received my bar exam results for the second time around. I failed again. Each time I received my bar results, I bawled like a baby and was depressed for a couple days. I felt like such a failure and just.. dumb because it wasn't like I didn't try. But other people passed it without a problem. So how come I couldn't do the same?

Growing up, I was never the smart kid. I was always the talented kid who knew how to sing and play instruments but never was "intelligent" the first adjective that came to people's minds to describe me. So even applying to law school was a step of faith. Until my college graduation day, I only went after what I thought I was capable of doing. But God wanted me to see things not through my eyes of little faith and vision, but see them through His eyes. So I struggled through taking the LSAT's and applying to law schools. And even after getting accepted into law school, going through law school was incredibly difficult. I literally shed blood (I experienced numerous nosebleeds throughout law school), sweat, and tears trying to survive law school. It was the first time I had to push myself to work that hard. I think God wanted me to learn the lessons of hard work and discipline along with faith.

And the thing is, when you go through hardships and fights, you always expect to be rewarded something at the end of it all. But what if God doesn't give you the reward you anticipated? What if instead of that reward, He tells you to let go of it and go through a new hurdle? How would you feel? Well, when I received my bar exam results, God reminded me again that although He led me to law school, I had never received a conviction for being a lawyer. I never really prayed through that career choice. In my mind, the next logical step was to become a lawyer... otherwise, why did I go to law school? Going through law school equals being a lawyer, right? NOPE! Completely wrong. That's not how God works.

While doing my quiet time this morning, God spoke to me through this passage:

"Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying 'Stop, you're doing it wrong!'...Do you question what I do for my children? Do you give me orders about the work of my hands? I am the one who made the earth and created people to live on it. With my hands I stretched out the heavens. All the stars are at my command. I will raise up Cyrus to fulfill my righteous purpose and I will guide his actions." Isaiah 45:9, 11-13.

And that's when I realized my life is not my own. God created me so He can do whatever He wants with me. Who am I to fight against what He's trying to do? He created me for His purpose not mine. Sure, my heart questions what He is doing and I want to fight Him by continually taking the bar exam and passing it so I can validate my attending law school. But I have to remember where to place my trust and know that I am just the clay and He is the potter. If He is the Creator of the whole universe, then why would He not know what to do with my life? He knows exactly what He's doing and I have to trust that He is doing this for a greater purpose. As I saw on someone's Facebook wall recently, faith is taking a step even when you can't see the whole staircase. I don't know why God didn't help me to pass the bar exam. I don't know why God replaced in my heart a desire to teach. And I know what the world is saying, 'what a waste. Then why go through law school?' Yeah, I don't know. I wish I had the answers but I don't. All I can say is this is what I feel like God is calling me to do at this juncture in my life, and I know I have to obey. That's why the more you hold onto things loosely, the easier these changes will be. Otherwise, it's too difficult and we might even miss out on something greater that God has in store for us.